| Have a baby, save a marriage |  |
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My friend is finally pregnant after years of the pain — emotionally, physically and financially — of fertility explorations.
Which, of course, makes her an Oprah show — everyone wants to rush in with his or her opinion and story, often bordering on a Stephen King horror novel, about 36 hour labors, last-minute C-sections, lactation woes, lack of sleep, endless feedings …
There’s only one other life event in which people feel so free to divulge and advise, and that’s divorce.
So when I saw her recently — she looked so radiant and happy — I wanted none of that. Instead, I told her what I thought was the key to having a baby: Saving the marriage.
There have been lots of studies about how marital happiness plummets after the birth of a first child. You know — from the endless post-pregnancy horror stories! — that you will be exhausted, that taking a shower might be all you can accomplish some days, that there’s a likelihood of post-partum depression. You’re too tired, too sore and too preoccupied to want to have sex. And you might feel disappointed or resentful about the way your husband helps out, or doesn’t.
But even armed with all that advice and knowledge, there’s nothing that quite prepares you for the reality of Life With Child.
And that’s when the slide to permanently damaging the marriage can start. So my advice to new parents is to make sure they carve out time each week to go on a date, and to make sure that they schedule sex. If you leave it up to when you’re “in the mood,” you may find you’ll have a lot of moods, but never that one.
Of course, it isn’t always easy. Baby-sitters are expensive, and after one or two $100 movie night, you decide, let’s just go to the video store. My husband and I didn’t have parents around who would gladly watch their grandkids, so we joined a babysitting coop, and that worked fine.
But a weekend away? Nearly impossible. And the two times we tried when our boys were young were mini-disasters — including the time that I had won two free nights in a Reno hotel in a raffle. We debated if we should go — the gift certificate was about to expire, and my then-husband’s workplace was about to go on strike. But with a baby and a toddler at home, we decided, what the heck: We need a break! So we flew to Reno, rented a car and spent more than double the cost of our room — a $24.95 a night special with a round bed and a mirrored ceiling! — and hadn’t even been there 24 hours when we arrived back to thehotel after a day at a nearby hot springs to discover the red light pulsating on the phone. It was a call from my sister, telling us to come home … now! My mother, visiting from Florida and our babysitter, had heart palpitations and had to be rushed to the hospital, leaving my sister-in-law and my sister, who had to take a day off of work, to deal with her and the boys.
We didn’t go away together for years!
I didn’t tell my friend that horror story, but I still feel strongly that husband-wife time is essential. And if you’re divorced, as I am, date nights — or just a night out with friends — are just as important. Forget about feeling guilty, as Dr. Lean and Rachel Sarah write on singlemommyhood.com.The kids will survive, and you'll be happier.
Do you regularly plan date nights with your spouse?
Do you feel guilty when you do?
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